Confessions

I always had some really strange things going in my twisted big head.

Sometimes just plain confusion, sometimes true disbelief, sometimes real despair. Very often I've caught myself wondering about life, people, love, relationships, the Universe and such.

I know most people think that too, because it's something more than natural to us human beings. Maybe they just don't do it in a daily basis like I do, because they're too busy taking care of their lives – that means job, career, bills, friends, family, goals... something I'm not doing.

But despite the way I see the world or my interpretation of common sense and wisdom, I tend to think that I understand things in a way other people can't – or, in more pretentious cases, I really think they'll never do. So that makes me an arrogant little prick, I know.

In my current age and state, I found that most of my creeds are just my creeds, and that's all there is to it. They're not more or less important than everybody else's, nor they're “right” or “wrong”. And as I confirm that everyday, I can't help myself but to think that even though I still have some convictions, that doesn't make me a better man.

The biggest problem is that I'm wrong more often than I would like. And I'm not even talking about choices here. Even today, after all I've been through, I'm still too naive. I tend to really believe in people – that they can be good and do good, that they're capable of loving, that they can change, etc. And here's the paradox: even though I believe in humanity, I'm walking away from it more and more. Why? I think I just got tired. Tired of trying, of being fooled, of being hurt. I know that sounds like cowardice, and maybe it is.

I've just fell too many times. And sometimes I don't know what to believe. I know everybody has problems, and I know that mine are, without a doubt, meaningless compared to most people's. But as my creeds, they're mine, and they somehow dictate the way I see the world and the way I face life everyday.

I don't want to be a crybaby or something, but I have to try to relieve some things that have been bothering me for quite a long time. And I've decided to do that by exposing some of the things I really believed for a long time and found to not be true (or at least, not the whole time, or the way I imagined). So here are the greatest delusions I've had so far.

• “I'm smarter than everybody else around me. I'm maybe one of the smartest people that have ever existed.”
• “I'm dumb. I'm the dumbest person I've ever seen.”
• “I'm disgraceful as a son and worthless as a brother.”
• “I'm an excellent person, incapable of doing harm to others.”
• “I'm awful. I'm terrible. I just hurt people and I can't avoid it. I shouldn't have been born.”
• “I can really control myself. My body, my emotions, my feelings, my desires, my perceptions.”
• “I'm pathetic. I have no control over my life. I'm just a piece of shit.”
• “I don't have any form of prejudice.”
• “I'm a hypocrite piece os shit. I'm arrogant, ignorant and a big asshole.”
• “I have a lot of talent.”
• “I'm just mediocre in everything I do.”
• “I can't do anything right, not even what I desire or like.”
• “Things are way too difficult to do or achieve”
• “I'm such a good lover.”
• “I'm a horrible friend.”
• “I really pay attention to what people say.”
• “Nobody will ever understand me.”
• “I found my soulmate and we'll always be together. For the rest of eternity...”
• “There's nothing interesting in me. I'm not even slightly attractive, I'm boring, I'm ugly and dull. I'm just a pile of crap put together in human form.”
• “The only thing I do it right is disappointing people.”
• “I'm an ungrateful, spoiled, pretentious and arrogant little brat. I'm so selfish and vain.”

So, what did I discover from those beliefs? Well, I might be a shitty friend sometimes, I might do things that will disappoint my parents, I might hurt people, I might walk away from people I love. I get angry, I get sad, I feel dumb, I feel numb, I do a lot of things wrong and I do shine sometimes. And that's only natural, because I'm flawed. I'm human, and I'm no better than anybody. Everybody is living, surviving one that after another. Most people do try their best everyday, in their own limitations, and I'm no exception. I might think too much. I lack action, motion and energy. But that doesn't make me less. I just have to find what is right for me, what works.

So I've decided to don't take things too seriously, because life is gonna end one day. There's no point in stressing and worrying about the little things. There's no point in wasting time crying over what's done. Thinking won't change the past, but it can help to build a better future, one that fits in my world, one where my dreams can come true. So I just have to accept. Accept who I am.

And that's it for today. I'm not a new man, but a feel a little better. And that's what matters. Be confident. Trust. Trust the Universe. Trust people. Believe in yourself. And please, laugh more.