A glimpse into the future

Until last week I could use a pitiful sorry excuse that "I'm in a band" whenever people would ask "what am I doing" - or at least, that's what I would try to convince myself whenever I were the one making this question.

Now there's no more band and I'm officially "unemployed". Finally, the awful moment I've been avoiding has arrived: I must do something about my life.

There's no denying that this whole "music thing" is something I NEVER really put much thought or effort into it. In my teenage days, I always dreamed about being in a band - but it was just fantasy. I never considered it as a "valid", "serious" option for me. Maybe because I quit too early - thinking I would NEVER be good enough - and with that mindset I'd always sabotage this kind of plan even before considering it. That all changed last year. It came as an unexpected opportunity and a happy surprise when the guys at Berzek invited me in. Suddenly, what was only a silly dream became a reality and a possibility of success and achievement. Well, I must admit that at first I faced it as a hobby, but that didn't last much. No more than 3 months (the time I had to learn all the repertoire) had passed when I really began embracing this as something I could do for a living. And then everything changed.

I had some good and some really shitty times last year. Most of this "good/bad" perception is concerning my psychological health and self-esteem, which obviously would reflect on my actions, behavior and relationship with others. My best "phase" last year was between April and August - I was truly dedicating a lot of time and effort into learning how to play the bass and how to play all the songs from the band's setlist. I also had recently returned from another trip to Santa Catarina (a really meaningful one) and had some kind of "thing" "going on" with a girl for a couple of months. I would go out, I would talk to people. I had energy, I was joyful and hopeful. I had some projects that could guarantee me some cash for my small needs.

Then, as with everything that has ever happened in my life, I got bored. And with the boredom, came the laziness, the depression, the angst. The things with the band were a little of a mixed bag, but for me the overall score was still positive. Some other shit happened in my life by August/September, which, of course, worsened my feelings of depression and loneliness. Suddenly, everything turned upside-down - again, but this time, throwing myself in the dirt. Since then, I'm trying to recover. Trying to find my way, trying do actually DO something (good and for good).

At this point in life, I've tried somethings and of those, I can say for sure what I like and dislike, what I judge I'm capable of doing and what not.

Music is DEFINITELY the thing for me. I don't know for sure exactly HOW I'll make a living from music, but I know it's there, it's gotta be. I had this fear of never being "good enough". It's not a fear anymore, it's a reality: I AM NOT good enough right now. But that doesn't scare me anymore, because I know it's something reversible. I CAN be good - the "enough" part of it depends both on the size of my ambitions and my will to get there, which is something I'll have to struggle internally. But now I know I can be good, and I know I can be as good as I want. Sure, that doesn't mean I WILL be good, because that depends only on me. As far as I'm concerned, I want to be that good. There's nothing stopping me besides my own lack of action and confidence. So if I fail, there's no one else to blame.

So music it is. I know it's a hard path, but I'm more than willing to take it. This is what I like. This is what I want to do. This is where I feel I can do something meaningful. So this is it, I'm officially into this and aware of the hardships ahead.

In the meantime, I'll probably get a shitty job to pay the bills and save some money to buy my stuff. When I was younger, I had delusions of grandeur. I always thought I was smarter, or that I had more "potential" than everybody else. Today I know I'm nothing more than another silly human, flawed and damaged. But ironically, this is what gives me strength now. To know that I'm no better and no worse. To know that it all comes down to effort, character and willpower. I don't dream about money, status or fame anymore. I don't long for recognition. I just want to feel I'm doing what pleases me. Nothing more, nothing less.